In case you want the quick and dirty version of what I saw during my Memorial Day weekend, I will now count down for you the top 25 things I learned while camping in the infield of Charlotte Motor Speedway at a NASCAR race:
25. When school buses become too run down to ferry children safely, they can still be useful. All you have to do is gut it, build a few bunk beds, add a couple of kegs and a confederate flag and you’ve got yourself a damn fine RV.
24. After having a few beers you will think standing on an elevated platform made of plywood that is built on top of a trailer with wheels is freaking awesome! Oh, and the fact that it is located 2 feet from a chain link fence which is all that separates you and the 43 cars going 175 MPH makes it even better. Also at some point during the race you will stand proudly on this platform, arms outstretched and yell out “HELL YEAH!!!” as the roar from the engines hits your chest and rattles the can in your hand.
23. If you make a big enough scene flailing your arms on top of the platform during a caution, some of the drivers will stick their hands out of their mesh window and wave to you.
22. The fashion rage in the infield: cowboy hat, bikini top, cut off jean shorts so short they would make Daisy Duke blush and cowboy boots. Not everybody can pull it off. I think you have to be a special kind of skank. I only say that because I was jealous.
21. I no longer wonder where they got the girls from the cast of Brett Michael’s “Rock of Love”.
20. A sign outside a campsite declaring “We fart” will make me laugh and will then lead to a pantomime of how we fart between me and one of the campers.
19. After enough Cap’n and Cokes my husband turns into Dr. Phil and tries to counsel newlyweds who are in the middle of the biggest fight of their marriage. And they’ll listen to him.
18. Old men like cowboy hats on ladies. And if they’re drunk enough they’ll lean out of their truck window and tell you about it.
17. Hearing an old man slur “That hat is bad ass” is funny.
16. Setting up a Slip N’ Slide using dish detergent and a hose brings out the people. And other types of hos.
15. Everybody in the infield is your friend. If you stand around for a few minutes without food or a beer in your hand that will quickly be remedied by a total stranger. And you pay it forward.
14. Race fans can cook some damn good food. And A LOT of it.
13. While the bath houses are very clean, taking a shower there in 90 degree weather is pointless. You start sweating as soon as you get out and walking back to your campsite in flip-flops only launches the dirt and grime from the road up the back of your legs. Basically, the only part of you that’s still clean when you get back to your camper is your arms.
12. When a company of Army men and women march in formation in front of you, everybody around stands up and claps for them.
11. After the race, people grab the lid to their coolers, jump the fence and slide down the race track. This is called Redneck Sledding and it’s funny as hell.
10. Air force pilots are HOT.
9. Air force pilots who give you hugs and Jell-O shots are even HOTTER.
8. Air force pilots who give you hugs and Jell-O shots and do the pre-race fly over in F-15s are SUPER HOT.
7. I will drink beer out of a beer helmet. And it’s actually not that bad.
6. We’re all just one bad decision and a bottle of black hair dye away from ending up on the back of a Harley wearing a bikini and combat boots while dangling a cigarette from your mouth.
5. Going through a tunnel that looks too small for your truck is not a good idea. It’s probably made for golf carts.
4. When your friend test drives a Toyota around the parking lot and deftly avoids crashing into someone who runs a stop sign by swerving and then yells “WATCH IT, ASSHOLE!!!” the Toyota salesman doesn’t miss a beat but I laugh so hard I almost wet the back seat.
3. The biggest compliment anybody can give you in the infield is this: “This may be wrong to say out loud, but I can NOT take my eyes off your boobs.”.
2. When a cute 21-year-old boy tells you this you will giggle and say “Thank you!!!” and then silently tell the flat chested “Hooters” girl in the old jalopy school bus 3 spots down from you to suck it!
1. It’s fun to have a weekend without the kids where you can let loose and be silly, but it’s always good to be home again.
Copyright 2010 by Me