Jazzy Junk… (AKA: “I wanna take a ride on your disco stick”)

Disclaimer: This might be TMI, but I don’t care. I’m fascinated and need to talk about it.

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So, yesterday I was innocently checking out Twitter and read something that has changed my life forever. I only follow 21 people on Twitter and mostly they are people I know, people who make me laugh or hot guys. In this instance, it was (the always captivating and hilarious) The Bloggess who provided me with this tidbit of information: there is such a thing as ‘vajazzling’. I was instantly captivated. Apparently after a horrible break-up a friend of Jennifer Love Hewitt’s suggested she wax herself  bald “down there” and bedazzle her “precious lady” with Swarovski crystals to make herself feel better. She took the advice, it did make her feel better and now she’s suggesting that the rest of the female population do the same. I have so many questions. For example, how exactly did this “friend” broach the subject of vajazzling? And how did she get JLH to agree to it? This is how I imagine the conversation going:

JLH: “OMG, I’m just so upset. I can’t believe I’m alone… again.” (sounds of serious sobbing)

friend: “Yeah, that must suck to be you, a gorgeous, wealthy actress with a regular TV series.”

JLH: “It doesn’t take the place of someone who cares about me, loves me. Well hell, at least I don’t have to shave past my knees for a while.” (forced chuckle)

friend: “Oh no, sister!! You’ve got to keep yourself groomed. You never know who’s going to come along and want to get frisky in the back of a taxicab.”

JLH: “You’ve watched too many movies. Or episodes of ‘Blind Date’.”

friend: “Maybe. But all I”m saying is… dress for the man you want, not the TV dinner you’ll end up with if you let yourself go National Geographic. Hell, you might want to even bedazzle that thing. You know… pretty it up a bit.”

JLH: “What??? Are we talking about the same thing?” (sounds of head scratching)

friend: “Yes, honey. I know this place that will glue crystals to it. Can you imagine how sexy you’d feel?”

JLH: “Wow. I’ve never thought of that. That would be cool to see it all sparkly.”

friend: “That’s right! You bling your ears, neck and wrist, why not your vajayjay?”

JLH: “You’re totally right! I’m going to do it!” (girly clapping)

Now if it were me, as soon as my friend suggested that I bedazzle my privates I would have laughed in her face and then conked her on the head with my empty wine bottle. Then, while I was waiting for her to come to, I would have drunk another bottle of wine and then when she woke up we would totally go to the salon to get it done together. So, I guess JLH and I aren’t that dissimilar. She might be a bit nicer to her friends, though.

Another question I have is, if she did it AFTER a break-up, WHO exactly did she do it for? I’m all about doing things for yourself but in this scenario, going out to buy an expensive pair of shoes would have made me feel a hell of a lot better than ripping out my pubic hair and putting glue on the sensitive bare skin that’s left. What JLH did makes me think that there was a bigger plan in play. This would be the perfect act of revenge, wouldn’t it? Imagine your ex stopping by to pick up the last of his things from your place. You could  have conveniently just gotten out of the shower. You answer the door in nothing but a towel. You let him in, point him to a box on the floor and as he bends down to pick it up, you clumsily drop your towel and… KAPOW!!! He gets a face full of Swarovski crystals. I imagine he’d regret ever being an ass to you after he realized you’ve turned porn star. (But not actual porn star because ewww… who wants that? No, I’m talking “innocent” on the outside, crazy, uninhibited, “pretend” porn star on the inside.)

On the other hand, it just might scare him in the way that Lady GaGa scares most men. She looks like she’d be a hell of a good time and up for almost anything, but it might really, really hurt. Same thing with the crystals. Have people forgotten about friction? Do we really need tiny rocks down there getting in the way? And how secure are these things? Do we need to worry about them flying off at any given moment? Will we have to have arguments about who has to sleep in the “shiny spot”? Instead of towels will dustpans have to be kept in the bedside table? And, as one of my friends pointed out, choking hazard!

This seems to be to be the type of thing that might be fun to do once- on a lark. Something to surprise your mate with, to keep things spicy, keep him guessing. But really, no. Is it really necessary to do anything MORE to the downtown area than a bit of landscaping and keeping the street clean? Honestly, I’ve never had a guy say to me, “Well, that’s nice but no thanks. Now, if you had Swarovski crystals glued to it… ” There’s really not much to mess up down there- unless you start talking about adding GLUE. It made me wonder why you would even consider doing this in the first place? I did some investigating and what I found only led to more questions.

Ladies, you’ll be relieved to know that not only can you bedazzle your lady parts, you can also dye them. OMG, why did I start Googling? Yes, it’s true. If you’ve ever thought your vajayjay might be looking a bit old and discolored, there’s now “My New Pink Button” to restore it to its former pink glory. Really??? As if the wrinkles on your face weren’t bad enough, now we have to worry about Pandora’s box showing the years? It seems like a bit of false advertising to me. Not the product, I’m going to take their word for it that it works. I’m talking about the consumer. Especially if used in conjunction with the crystals. Your partner would lift your skirt and get all excited that he has a pretty, shiny new toy but when you get down to business, it feels just like any other one and (in the case of those of us who have had kids) decidedly NOT like it did when it was new and unused.

I also discovered the salon in NYC which started the “vajazzling” craze. It’s a place called “Completely Bare” and they call the crystal application procedure “completely bare with a flair”. Cute. (If cute means WTF?) They also sell at home waxing kits with crystal tattoos so you can flair yourself. You can choose from such shapes as a heart, a butterfly, a starburst and a peace sign. I imagine it’s only a matter of time before it’s not just crystals but cutesy sayings that can be affixed to your nether regions. “I’m the girl your momma warned you about.” You don’t say. God forbid if someone decides that would be an appropriate place to declare their love for the health care plan. “I want THIS covered.” Although, debating politics naked might be fun.

And speaking of politics, for some reason George Washington crept into my head yesterday as I was thinking about all of this. I know, my brain is a mysterious and wonderful place. I don’t think this is exactly what our forefathers had in mind when they separated from the British to found our great nation. Or maybe it is. They did advocate freedom and what could be more liberating than waxing yourself bald and imitating a disco ball? Also, you know those women back then were au naturale so maybe hairless women dripping with crystals is exactly the type of thing George Washington fantasized about. Maybe we were just a late night draft away from saying “…with liberty and vagina crystals for all”. And don’t flame me, I know George Washington didn’t write the Pledge of Allegiance. I also know that, as much as he might have enjoyed them on Martha, he wouldn’t be gluing crystals to himself.

Although, in 2010 it’s totally possible. Did I mention that they have crystals for guys as well? Google told me that too. I can’t remember the website so I apologize for not being able to point you in the right direction if this is something you wish to do to yourself, but somewhere they’re having a Valentine special where men can get a pretty pink heart affixed you know where. Nothing tells your partner “I think you’re something special” quite like that. I have to admit though, I don’t think I’d trust a salon that calls the procedure for male waxing a “sack and crack”. I’m just saying.

Now before you get all uppity with me, I know body modification has been around forever. Even body modification “down there”. I honestly don’t know why vajazzling fascinates me so much. I guess I just never thought of that as an area that needed to be adorned in such a flamboyant way. I’m not Liberace and if you need to put up a f*cking flashing sign that says “Here it is!!!” then maybe you should find a partner that’s more adept. I’m sure it’s fun, but so are sexy panties. Then you take them off, throw them in the corner of the room and pick them up the next morning. No harm, no foul. I will say that all of this has entertained me a limitless amount over the past two days. It got me thinking that this might make for good TV. You know that show, “Pimp My Ride”? Well, instead it could be “Pimp My P…”. Well, you get the idea. I know who would be the perfect host- I heard Jennifer Love Hewitt might know a thing or two about it. Or Martha Stewart, she’s pretty good with a glue gun.

copyright 2010 by Me